Winning Travel Tips

Air Travel

• In the airport
• Hop on a courtesy tram as it goes by -- if going your direction.
• On board
• Ask for airline cards and wings -- and they'll laugh at you.
• Delta gave out the last of theirs in the 1990's.
• If travelling for pleasure, take your time finding just the right overhead compartment.
• Unless your flight ticket specifies MEAL, bring food.
• Wear a parachute -- ask to have it checked as baggage when they take it from you.
• Be among the last to leave -- look for souvenirs.
• Never steal the life preserver from under your OWN seat.

Lodging

• If you've chosen to stay at a decent hotel, they have sewing kits at the front desk. Ask for one.
• Hotel towels -- have your personal towels seen better days?
• Take inventory of what towels are in your room.
• Note how many are missing, and ask for them.
• Leave initial inventory behind when departing.
• Still need LED lighting at home? 
• Bring dead standard A19 incandescent bulbs. After last day's cleaning service, exchange them with your room's bulbs. While checking out, remark that lighting was substandard in your room.
• If you really like the room's ice cube holder, immediately report it missing, as it's very important to have one in your room. Leave that one in your room.
• Double-A and triple-A batteries cost at least a dollar apiece these days, If you're willing to wait a couple hours after arrival, is it no wonder there aren't any in your remote control? Pressing 0 on the hotel phone still usually reaches the front desk.
• Complimentary hotel dining room breakfasts end on time. If you ate yours at 7 am and breakfast lasts until 9 am, be sure to return for that last cup of orange juice, hot chocolate or coffee. Bring breakfast to your room, if in need of dishes or silverware.
• Bibles are rarely found in hotel rooms anymore. The Holy Bible is the most commonly stolen book.
• Lobby and hallway cameras are everywhere -- refrain from moving DO NOT DISTURB signs.
• It's ok to eat from trays left outside rooms, why care about cameras at this point?
• If kitchenette glassware is really better than yours, be sure there is evidence of broken glass for any that was in your room.
• "Lather, rinse and repeat" on the shampoo bottle necessitates quick usage of room toiletries. Ensure that they are replaced daily.
• Visit an unattended service cart to address other room deficiencies such as pens/notepads, soap, toilet paper, or chocolates. Leave the wheels. Don't expect to find incendiary matches.  
• Tip service staff appropriately. If you've managed to keep them out of your room except to address important deficiencies you've reported, make it worth both your while.

At Sea

• Meet the Captain, have a photo taken with him or her. Remember Capt. Francesco Schettino.
• If you don't imbibe alcohol, purchase your duty-free limit and re-sell it to friends and neighbors.
• If you drink, save your money. You'll need it for your own cocktails.
• Ship casinos are closed while in port.

Other

• Televisions are bolted down for a reason.
• Delivery and caller ID services are now ubiquitous -- don't make prank delivery calls, even while away from home.
• Resorts are huge. Since you keep track of must-have toys and model numbers from Christmas, visit their Lost and Found department and lament your specific loss.